Monday, September 19, 2005

Foundations 'n such

It's amazing the things that affect us as children...and continue to plague us as adults. I recently had breakfast with my father. What was seemingly an innocent breakfast and somewhat manufactured moment, sent me to the couch...literally. I got home, tossed my legs over the arm of the loveseat and pondered... I was eight years old. My father had moved out of the house already. He picked us up once a week and every other weekend, drove through a fast food burger joint and took us to his girlfriend's house where he conducted his visits with us. On one visit he drove home, hooked the boat up to his truck and announced we were going out on the lake. I was deathly afraid of water and lakes and such and couldn't swim...and didn't want to go. I wanted him to stay. I knew - even at eight - that it was hard for him to come back to the house, where my mother was, but I wanted him to stay...for me. To not fill our visits with distraction. To spend the entire four hours just telling us everything was going to be alright. And I was stubborn about it. So an argument ensued. It was not unusual for me - at eight - to fight with my father. I hopped on my bike and road down the road, stopping at the corner. If he loves me, I thought, he'll stay. He pulled up alongside the road, brothers and boat in tow and asked me again if I was going with him. If he loves me, I thought, he'll stay. I repeated it in my head. "Fine." he said. And drove away. The intelligent 25 year old woman in me knows when I'm loved. I know a good friend when I got one. I know protective brothers who forgive me for my motherly traits. I know love - when I'm loved. The eight year old girl, however, is still there. She's still wanting proof. If he loves me, he'll.... If they care about me they'll... My friend will call right now if she... An annoying voice in the back of my head that I can't swat away. A foundation for a life that has to be reworked and reformatted. Every day. Last night I had a conversation with one of my very best friends...and I hope that I helped him in some way...I worry this morning that I didn't...but either way, I hope he knows how much I love, adore and admire him for the man he's become. Now...on to the day.

No comments: