Friday, September 09, 2005

The Weight (A Rather Long Post...)

"What are you doing up so early?" I double check my watch. "I drove past your mother's house this morning, on my way to the dentist," Rachel says. "She was eating her breakfast out on the porch. I honked and she almost dropped her food." I laugh at this. "Then I drove past her on my way back and honked again. She waved, but it was in confusion." I am glad that Rachel has called me this early in the morning, but I hate that I have to speak in a low tone at work - for fear of anyone finding out I'm on my cell phone. The girl in the office connected to mine talks on her cell phone. Nobody cares. If they even hear mine vibrate...I get called into an office. So I'm speaking quietly. "Do you want me to speak quietly too?" Rachel whispers. She's doing real well at making me laugh - but I know it is mostly because she is worried about me. After a while I get to thinking...the phone call itself just made my day. And that, seems sad. It seems almost uncomfortably dependent. I ask her opinion on an invitation I have yet to accept or decline. I ask her even though I don't care what her answer is. I don't want to go and I don't want to go home...and going to her house only makes me feel like I have nowhere else to go...and that leaves me feeling like I rely on her company and her friendship too much. And I know, those are my own stupid thoughts...And all of that races through my mind in five seconds. And that immediately makes me want to hang up. "I'm starting to ponder," I say quickly. "I'd better go." "Don't ponder right now!" Rachel whines. "It's so early!" It is early. Like an alcoholic popping a top before noon, I've just cracked my mind open and it's not even 10 a.m. yet. In my car, a few hours later, I sit and decide: That's it. No more. I will not talk about how I'm feeling about anything anymore. I will not put my moods upon my friends. I will not allow myself to be around anyone until this all gets fixed. This mood, this sadness, this lost ambition...all of it. I will lock myself in my apartment and live in misery until I give up or run out of toilet paper. Whichever comes first. And then I thought about my ankle weights. Last night, I decided to do some light shopping. I was desperate for a pair of ankle weights. I'd read that adding ankle weights to your regular routine adds resistance and works your muscles more. And since all summer I was two steps away from indenting the couch and living off cheetos...I need to get back into my workout routine. So I bought my ankle weights last night and as soon as they were on - I fell in love. I could feel the extra weight and the resistance, but it didn't make me want to stop. I even thought about wearing them to work. (I didn't.) "You are your own worst enemy," Rachel has said. "You beat yourself up until there is nothing left." I'm bored with everything, nothing excites me and I am alone. And it sucks. But....I have great friends, great family and really - nothing to complain about. Yet I can't allow myself to be content, happy, or even just indifferent for very long. Acceptance itself just doesn't feel right. And I have gotten myself thinking that there was something I could do to just put each little thought in my head to bed. But maybe those thoughts are nothing more than a little resistance. Maybe it's not wrong to have them. Maybe they're what makes The same me my friends are so willing to listen to no matter what. I will still ponder the same things I have pondered...ten minutes from now. Tomorrow and the day after that. But so what? Eventually there will be new things to ponder. And at least I have people who are willing to listen. I don't have to put myself in a hole as deep as my thoughts can be. For now, I'm going to take that invitation and eat with a couple of friends I haven't seen in a while. I might even partake in a beer or two. I'm going to leave when I'm ready, probably call mom, strap on the ankle weights and watch a good movie. Tomorrow, I'll have breakfast with my father, leave with more thoughts to ponder and ponder them at the gym. Tomorrow night, I'll fill out invitations to Kim's baby shower and fit in some quality time with her & friends I haven't seen in a while. I'll marvel at her pregnant tummy when I think nobody is watching. And I'll play some cards. And I'll feel so unbelievably lost at some point. More lost at some times than other times. The point is...I might be bored at times. I might be afraid at times. I might be frustrated and desolate and lonely at times. Some of those feelings will stick around for a while. But no matter what...I've still a life to attend to. A little resistance never hurt anybody. It might even make me stronger. Baby steps Jess...Baby steps.