Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Where I Go

I am a very strong woman. But sometimes, I just don't want to be. When it's one of those times...this is what I do: I recoil. I completely withdraw. And I do it a lot lately. So first I'd like to thank Stace. She called me twice and left me two messages just saying that she'd heard I'd had a bad week and wondered if I wanted to talk. I haven't talked to Stacy in a couple of days and I haven't hung out with her in...well, more days. And for that, she had no obligation to call. But she did anyway. Stace, I'd turned off my phone but I'll give you a call before my class. Thank you. And for anyone else who doesn't hear from me for god knows how long...if I don't return your call or email or call you for any reason - most likely I am retreating. I know that everyday can not be as I'd like it to be. But some days, I don't want to care. And on those days, I can dig myself into a very deep hole. So deep, in fact, that nobody can really pull me out of it. I get into these "I want a hug, but if you touch me I'll kill you," modes. So I don't call anyone, when talking would probably do me good. And I won't leave the house, when I should probably get out of it once in a while. And I don't want anyone to call me or come over. And I do this because I'm neurotic and stubborn - for better or worse. And when I'm done, I love myself for it in my own, twisted little way. I just wanted to explain that. It's not just my friends either, but my family as well. I won't accept invitations to dinner, and if asked for a favor of any kind, I'll - ever so stressfully - explain that I don't have the time. Because I need to spend some more time in my mind. Because I need to quarantine myself for a bit. Because I'm just masochistic like that. Lately, these times happen a little too often and the truth is that this one isn't over. But what are you gonna do, right? I'll tell you what - I watched one of my very favorite movies, consumed obscene amounts of coffee, lit a few candles and did some homework...and that's enough for tonight.