Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Scope of a Life

There was a moment I was in love with Kim's party. And there was a moment when I was not in love with Kim's party. Kim's party was the 1st annual Brandon Gorbitz Remembrance Day. I haven't had a chance to tell her yet, but it was such a wonderful idea and such a commendable thing to do. I've been friends with Kim for over 10 years now. We have had our knock-down-drag-out fights. Our never ending conversations. Our I-need-you-and-only-you moments. But seeing her go through the loss of her brother...has been...well...we come into our own at some point. We realize the people we are going to be. Sometimes those things come about through watching the lives of the people around us. Anyhoo... A full house, tons of food, a hot summers day. Cold beer and music and friends and laughing. I fell in love just after nightfall...sitting on Kim's deck, surrounded by chatty girlfriends with sweet, syrupy, alcoholic beverages. Gossiping and laughing. Watching everyone else. At one point the country music is playing and I'm with friends, with people I know and I realize again- how long I've known all of these people. It's the realization that you belong somewhere. Even if you don't always feel that way - you do right then. And that's important. I look over at the pictures of Brandon that Kim has put together. I see him everywhere. On that deck, in her house, in his Jeep...everywhere. I don't really know how to explain it. When you feel the scope of a life. I feel it then and I'm in love with everything. The town, the people, the life. Close to 3 a.m. - I fall out of love with the party. I'm not a partier. I must feel extremely safe in order to get drunk. And I never feel safe. So I'm always sober. Drunk people can be downright pitiful. I watch as the stragglers who are draining the keg and anything else holding alcohol - stumble through the night. It is clear that they have come to get wasted. They've forgotten this night had a purpose - and that annoys me. I watch one stumble over to a chair by the fire. I wonder if she has ever seen herself this way. I watch her counterpart later on, as he falls out of a chair - only to throw it across the yard at the fence. The words 'high school' pop into my mind. I wonder if these people will ever grow out of it. I look over at Madison. She's sleeping in her mother's arms. I hope she doesn't stumble when she drinks.

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