Anyone Anytime

One of the more comforting things about working somewhere new is that nobody knows much about you. And when you start fresh - you can pretty much control how much they ever know about you. For example - I have decided to keep my many frivolous fears secret from my coworkers. They are evil people. I will come in to find a pigeon strapped to my keyboard - I am sure. Or a frog... or a.....I'll stop right there. So I email Kim today... We're joking around and my friend here called me a whore. If she only knew. My lovable, creative best friend replies.... Tell her that. Tell her you really were until you woke up one day with a bunch of condoms around you and then you decided you stopped. Me again: I should. I woke up outside a nightclub in Chicago with condoms everywhere and a strange rash - and vowed abstinence forevermore. I should really. I've decided that my alter-sexaholic-ego spent some time on the streets of the Second City. She gave up her Hebrew Day School ways for a jazz musician - or at least - a guy with stubble and an oboe. Why not an oboe? She got a job as a bartender and gave all her tips to her oboe playing boyfriend. He pimped her out to his jazz buddies - okay so they didn't play instruments...or have teeth....they were buddies.... She'd do just about anything for bottle of expensive Champagne....or a Budwieser. Or a can of Natural Light. Finally one morning she woke up in an alley just off Michigan Ave. Condoms strewn about...a strange and persistent itch. A nun walks by and offers her the grace of god. She hustles the nun for $3.50 and buys a bowl of matza ball soup at a local deli. The matza balls don't mix well with the remnants of last night's drinking binge. She harfs it up outside on the curb. She takes it as a sign and vows abstinence forever.