Tuesday, January 16, 2007

it's 3 am, i must be lonely

Every corner of my body hurts.

I was a ball of nervous energy this weekend. That's what happens when I rebound from a crisis. With entirely too much time to myself - I was anxiety-ridden. Which meant a racing mind and the feeling that something just behind my lungs was about to explode.

Something about my bed was making me feel lonely. So I didn't sleep in it. I slept on the couch for no apparent reason. Maybe because last week I was sleeping on someone else's couch and needed a familiar feeling. Maybe because I don't have a TV in my bedroom and needed the noise. Maybe I'm just weird. Who's to say, really.

I made lists, cleaned the bathroom, cleaned the kitchen, straightened up the house, did my laundry, made more lists, studied the constitution - that's right, of the United States - obsessively changed channels on the TV and wrote in my journal whenever the mind started racing.

And between all that - when I was still feeling uncontrollably nervous - I crunched. I crunched, I push-uped, I free-weighted, I gazelled. Over and over and over again. I smoked one cigarette and drank two gallons of water.

Then I cleaned my espresso machine and put it to work. For someone unable to sleep - this does not a good idea make. I was tweaking at 3 a.m. and more anxious than ever. In truth, slowly, I've gotten quite a bit done. Faced my fear of bills and started paying them again. Faced the reality of school and decided to drop a class and not substitute it with another one. Faced my confusion about my career and took on another writing assignment, drafting an email to my editor for advice.

But, in the meantime... I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. And for my sanity - I hope it doesn't drop anytime soon.

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