Wednesday, March 21, 2007

certain uncertainty

In 7th grade, Ms. Minissee - a tall, lanky woman with a horrible disposition - made us invest fake money in the stock market. She broke us up into groups of four and gave each group $1,000. We were told to invest the money in any company we wanted - and we had to monitor the numbers through the paper for like, six weeks.

I hated this assignment.

I'll most likely never invest in the stock market.

I don't do well with uncertainty. At least - not anymore. Once upon a time, I didn't question. I didn't worry about the decisions I was making, the path I was cutting for myself. I didn't double, triple check my reasoning to see if I was missing any red flags, any dangerous curves. Being uncertain was not a concern then.

As it seems to be now.

I don't do well with making decisions lately. Instead, I go through the motions...I am where I'm supposed to be, on time, without any trouble along the way. I do what I'm told, I don't suggest, I don't offer up ideas, I don't put myself 'out there'. I don't make a decision and figure the rest out later. I just don't make the decision because I figure none of it will work out anyway. This, incidentally, is also why I don't date.

Nobody could tell me which company we were investing our fake money in - was the right one. Nobody could tell me which one would make a zillion dollars. Which one would see success without fail. So I didn't choose. I let the rest of the group choose and just kept track for them.

Maybe it's the realization of the magnitude of my self-reliance. Wordy words = I have no one else to cover my rent. Maybe it's the fear after falling into a place where I didn't want to move, didn't want to get out of bed, didn't want to try...that got me to stop trying.

Decisions...scare me. I don't want to make them. Because once upon a time I trusted my own. And now I don't. Once upon a time I trusted me to take me where I needed to go. To make myself happy...and now I don't.

I want to know for sure. And I can't. But I want to. And so here we are.

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