Wednesday, May 02, 2007

what it is...

I don't know what it is.

It could be that I just watched last night's episode of the Gilmore Girls, which had me slightly misty eyed while Lorelai sang Dolly Parton's "I Will Always Love You" to Rory and then to Luke...and I related completely to Rory's minor meltdown while she continues to be rejected by various newspapers.

It could be that I allowed myself to take part in a 30 minute, deep tanning session that left me relaxed, toasty, slightly bronzed and vulnerable to deep thinking.

...Or it could be that Rachel found a gray hair in my head yesterday. And for the record she was completely excited about it. And jot down on that record - it was a very tiny hair. Not even a full gray hair...for the record.

Come to think of was probably that last one that started the whole thing.

Before the infamous gray hair was found, I was already experiencing a full on case of grumpy. The sun was shining and I was forced to spend these last few days inside. Studying for finals. Of course I had the delicious "Deadliest Catch" on the Discovery Channel to keep me distracted...there's something about manly men not showering and driving big boats of the Alaskan waters that mesmerizes me...

Back to the matter at hand...

Suddenly...certain things are starting to irk me. It's no longer about getting a job at a newspaper just to "be a journalist". It's to have a desk. To work my way up. To settle into a place to live where I can start finding my favorite market, favorite bookstore...a routine. So I don't have to worry about where things are going.

I'm beginning to notice wedding rings. I think they look nice on people. Especially men. It makes me wish I had one. A man with a ring on his finger. And I realize that sounds completely ridiculous. Especially for me. Because I try not to let my life revolve around men. Because frankly, relationships scare me. That's why I stay away from them. But there it is. I don't know what it is, but there it is. And it's bugging me...that it's there at all.

Driving back from tanning today, exhausted from all the heat and relaxing, I noticed the house across from Rachel's had a 'For Sale' sign in the front yard. I joked about buying it and living across the street. But suddenly I wished I had a better credit score so I could actually buy the house. Again - uncharacteristic for me. I wouldn't even buy furniture after Kim moved hers out of my apartment. I made Rachel pick out the sofa, love seat and chaise and I made Kim approve the coffee table and end tables - because I am not one to buy things that can't be moved conveniently in zip-up luggage. Kim herself has listened to me for 13 years make constant disparaging remarks against the town I live in, putting it in the dank, dark shadow of Manhattan and Phoenix.

So I don't get what it is. What it is that's making me ache for things I never really ached for before. And want the things I've always wanted in a way I never thought of before.

What it is...I a really odd phase that will pass really, really soon.

1 comment:

Alan said...

Why not go for what you want? That's one of the great pleasures in life.