smoke out

I haven't written anything in a while.

I've thought of writing many things. But alas...I haven't written any. And I am quite unsure as to why.

Hundreds of things to write run through my mind in the course of the day. Letters, lists, journalistic stories, fiction stories, novel ideas, essays, quotes, movies, television shows. In and out of my head they fly.

I should be writing them down.

Even turning them into a list would be helpful. Maybe even inspiring. Ambitious. But I haven't done that either.

Understandably, there are at least a million other things running through my mind. I have a handful of stories I'm trying to write up as soon as possible, I have to decline yet another inadequate writing offer from my editor, prepare for Passover, study for Midterm #2 - YES - Midterm #2, I'm coordinating Rachel's birthday party, trying to coordinate her present, planning for Leslie's birthday party -

Incidentally, yes...I realize the term "birthday party" sounds juvenile.

...I'm hassling with H&R Block, trying to remember to pay my bills, file for financial aid, register for classes, do homework and last weekend I woke up and realized I hadn't done laundry in two weeks.

That could be part of the reason I'm not writing.

It's Saturday. 3:30 in the morning. I spent all of Friday in my apartment and did nothing. I was so full of laziness I was exhausted - and when Rachel never called me back - I decided to go to bed early around midnight. At 3:30, my phone started ringing.

We talked for an hour and then I said, "Dude. We've lost our moxie."

Now I can't stop saying it. We really have lost our moxie. I know I have. None of the things I listed above are out of the ordinary for me - yet they feel entirely unbearable. Work is entirely unbearable these days. My brain is like a caged bird. I don't know why it sings but I don't really care - I just want to get it out of the fucking cage. "There was that bit of us," I tell Rachel Sunday, after beer on the deck. "Where we just knew we were better than some. Don't you miss that?"

I do.

So I'm not doing much of anything at the moment. But last night I concocted a pretty ambitious 'to do' list and crossed at least four or five things off it today.

If I can't find my moxie...I'm gonna smoke the bitch out.