t-minus 30 minutes

Finals will commence in thirty minutes and be over shortly thereafter.

I should be cramming, trying to beef up my Spanish vocabulary just a little bit more. But my brain can't hold any more information...and my eyes can barely hold themselves open.

All I can really think about is the short stack of New York Magazines that have gone unread that I plan to tackle with reckless abandon this weekend. The house that has gone only straightened up that needs to be massively cleaned. The horribly neglected free weights and gazelle in the living room. The horribly neglected person who stares at me in the mirror in the morning.

And the decisions to be made. A break from school...while scary...might be a necessity. A frightening commitment to career might have to be made. The decision to affect what happens to me rather than let what happens affect me might also have to be made...

People usually see winter break as a time to enjoy Christmas or Hanukkah or presents or snow.

I want to enjoy my bed again. My music. My books and my brain and my friends and my family.

Drink warm, milky tea and rich, strong coffee. And feel my muscles ache again. And give my brain a rest. Before it burns out with the rest of me.

T-minus 20 minutes...

t-minus

Forty minutes.

It's finals day today and I've had two anxiety attacks and my stomach is moving like a lava lamp. A bad simile, I know but I'm a little preoccupied right now.

The sad part is that I don't really get all worked up over the tests. I have a paper due today as well, which I worked really hard on not being stressed out over. The professor said it looked fine just as it was, so I played with a few words and cleaned up some citations and kept the over-obsessing to a minimal.

I also don't have test anxiety. I'm of the strong mind that you can only retain and hold what you can retain and hold. I can only study so much. I can only read five books in a single semester, balance a few jobs and a social life and my own neurosis...and remember so much. When it comes down to it - there's no need to over-obsess.

So why am I over-obsessing?

I want the test over with. I want to scribble as fast as my hand will let me and get the hell out of that class room. I want three weeks off. I have two stories due by Friday. I haven't even started them. I want them done. I want to get them done in two days so I can have the rest of the week to do my last minute Hannukah shopping. I don't want everything to take forever and a day to be finished.

Friday, my older brother and I resurrected our Friday night ritual. He calls me from the porch, in his flannel, with a cigar and a glass of scotch - I sit in the back room of the bar and chain smoke. We discuss the aftermath of his recent wedding, how he wants me back in Arizona for a tour of the northern part of the state and the fact that I've been a little bit of a downer for the past few months. When we talk about my options and my future he says, "sounds like it's going to take a lot of 'me' time for you to come to a decision."

Precisely.

I had hopes of filling my three week break from school with another reunion. One with the gym. It's been so long I just might cry when I get to the track. But I worry that I'll be so busy with other things I won't get there. Hannukah is almost here and I still have shopping to do. And this year, Rachel and Mart have asked if they can join in with my family's celebration. I never invite friends to family functions. My family doesn't function well with the outside world - but that is another story entirely. Can't worry about it really, until it happens. But it all can't happen until this damn test is over.

So with a nervous stomach....it's now t-minus 30 minutes.