Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Fumbling Toward Aversion

I should not look at other people's writing. All it does is plant a seed in my head that I will never be as good as they are. Immediately I'll sit down to a blank screen and try to write something masterful - only to sit back and see myself desperately trying to mimic someone else's style. I wonder if I fit anywhere in the writing world. I try to be the 25 yr. old single girl who writes about relationships a'la Sex in the City - but I'm not. I live in a small town and while I do get irritated by my consistent lack of a social life - that doesn't change that there's ultimately nothing to write about. I don't doubt one day you'll find a funny post about a date gone bad, but for right now - I simply have nothing for you. I wish I could describe for people what the air is like in Africa. What the sea smells like in Israel. But I can't. I've yet to be there and by the look of my bank book - I won't be anytime soon. I'm an exceptionally frustrated person. I get irritated by my inability to control my finances, the constant disappointment I find in my friends when I make the mistake of expecting certain things from them and the lack of direction in my job. It all sounds so whiny. So uninteresting. I find myself constantly wishing for something to happen. My battle is with patience. The other day I was at the store picking up a few groceries. I lost my favorite sunglasses on my last trip to North Carolina. I enjoy sunglasses. I'll wear them into stores and anywhere else. I like the fact that they block eye contact with strangers. I observe everything and I don't like to give people the feeling that they're being stared at. People don't like that. As I was walking down the aisle I saw a woman coming toward me. I looked at her and then quickly averted my eyes as to not make her uncomfortable. As she got closer, I glanced at her again and noticed this time that the skin all over her body and her face looked as if she'd been in a terrible fire. I only looked at her for a second, but it was long enough for her to look back - and quickly I averted my eyes again. Immediately I felt ashamed. I wondered why I didn't smile. Why didn't I smile to at least not make her feel as self-conscious as I was feeling right then. So many people having to deal with so many things bigger than my own issues, my own frustrations and yet I can't help but get tangled in them.

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