Wednesday, July 06, 2005
Girlie My Ass
My friend Leslie came to visit me the other night. After using my bathroom she gave a healthy chuckle and accused me of being a "closet girlie girl". I'm quite the tomboy. Not the "plays soccer-softball-volleyball" kind... The "grew-up-with-two-brothers-and-never-wore-girl-clothes" kind. I had to learn about make-up late in my high school career from my friends. I'm 25 and I still don't really get it. Though I do shop in the women's section and buy an awful lot of pink now. Incidentally - these shirts are fabulous. Anyway, Leslie was shocked at my bathroom. The sink area is cluttered with bottles of lotion, facial cleanser, shampoos, bath salts and a bunch of other stuff. She apparently didn't notice the thick layer of dust that sat on everything but the deodorant, Aquafresh and Noxema. There are some things "girlie" that I have grown quite accustomed to, however. Tanning - for one. I know, I know, I shouldn't do it. But I was ghastly white and my ass is not getting into a bathing suit anytime soon. A tan in 20 minutes is quite convenient. The other is waxing. I love waxing. Get the facial hair off me - I hate feeling manly. So today, after putting it off for financial reasons - I went to get waxed. I was a bit excited. It was a bloody awful day and I just wanted that one thing to make me feel better. Instead I had to hold myself back from ringing the neck of the girl who was to wax me. A 20 minute procedure took 40 minutes thanks to this woman I'll call Jabbermouth. Sorry, I don't talk when my eyebrows are being waxed. That's just me. But Jabbermouth wanted to talk, so she talked and talked and talked. Then she picked up a tweezer and jabbed at my eyebrows until I lost all feeling in them. I never usually turn red when I wax. My eyes looked like someone ran an iron over them. The best part was after Jabbermouth pressed down so hard on the little cotton strips above my lip (I think she left bruises) and just as she was about to grab the edge and rip it off - she remembered a time her brother had a date and said his apartment was clean, but it really wasn't, it was a mess and she laughed at him, and he said that it was because he was a bachelor and she said 'well you'll keep on being one with an apartment like that'.......oh ho ho ho lady, that was a good one. I did the old sit-up-as-if-you-don't-think-she's-there-anymore-and-check-your-watch move. That got her. Girlie my ass...five more minutes and I'd have choke slammed her.