Friday, July 08, 2005
A Good Beginning
So here I am contemplating everything...who I am, what I should be doing and above all else - my writing. Here's what happens in my head when I sit down to write: 1.) What do I want to say? 2.) Will it offend anyone? - If answer is yes, make list of offenses and who those offenses will offend. 3.) What will everyone think about me regarding what I want to say? - Jot down negatives. 4.) Adjust what I want to say accordingly. And so we have a writer who rarely writes anything at all... I'm frustrated. That's the truth. I think I could handle having a job that is less than I expected, not nearly fulfilling enough and mediocre in pay. I think I could handle living in a small town, with not much to do and limited social choices. But then I ask myself - what is the point? There really is none in just settling for less. The problem is that I conform all to easily. Like a chameleon who changes color just because it stepped from a green leaf to a brown branch. Without thinking. It's like breathing. So I want to stop conforming and state for the record who I am, some things about me I may never have said before. Things my friends might think aren't even true. Just because I think it will make a good beginning. The beginning to some long awaited honesty. 1.) I am a patriot. I love this country and the principles it was founded upon. 2.) I want to travel the world. Any country, any where, any time. Get me on a plane and I'll be happy. Put my footprints in foreign soil and I'll feel at home. 3.) I want to help people. The peace corps, Americorps, I've considered it all. I want to sit in a village in a war ravaged Africa, or with troops in Iraq. I want to spend time in Israel and understand the culture of India. I want to help those who suffer, hold their hand and show them that there is someone who cares. 4.) I don't have prejudices. I don't care about skin color or sexual orientation. Judge not lest ye be judged. 5.) Beware: I'm a writer. Anything you do or say can and will be used against you. Writing takes comfort with honesty - which as this post makes clear - I've had a problem with. I will write about you, the things you say and do...and I'm always taking notes. So don't be offended...it just comes with the job of being my friend. 6.) I don't think it's right to put people down. I'm not saying I don't do it - I'm saying I don't necessarily feel good about it later on. If you find yourself just sitting there, doing nothing but trying to put others down, there's a problem. 7.) I believe that knowledge is key to everything. 8.) I hate secrets. 9.) I'm completely insecure in front of others - in my head and to myself I'm confidant I could do anything except tell other people that. 10.) Things like terrorism, politics and cultural issues like poverty, human rights etc. get me all fired up. 11.) I really do want a family, kids, pets, etc. 12.) I believe that everyone has the ability to change themselves. People just don't want to do it very often. 13.) I fear commitment, intimacy and exposure. 14.) I get anxiety attacks that start as a worried thought and then races out of control. I'll start shaking and thinking so fast that it takes a while for me to calm down. I can feel my heart racing and I get an overwhelming sense of paranoia. It's indescribable. 15.) I pretty much feel alone most of the time. 16.) But I have a good sense of humor about it. 17.) But you wouldn't know that. 18.) I hate when I get introspective and contemplate things and I'm told I need to "lighten up" or "quit being depressed". I think some people need to look up the definition of depression. I've been there. I ain't going back. 19.) I originally left college not because I was homesick, but because I felt the world had slapped me in the face and I saw pieces of myself I didn't understand. I felt I didn't deserve to be a part of such a big world and went home to gain perspective and control. 20.) I'm really not that stupid. 21.) Most things don't bother me. 22.) It's not always that I'm not paying attention - just that I feel some things don't need to be remembered. 23.) I actually do like to hug. 24.) It's not that I'm not spontaneous, just that most of the time, I'm not interested in what everyone wants to do. 25.) I like it when I'm needed. And when I'm missed. 26.) I wish I could read faster. 27.) I've had my wedding planned for quite some time now. 28.) I really am quite girlie. 29.) I don't like being looked at. Like if I walk into a bar or something. I like being inconspicuous unless I decide otherwise. 30.) I laugh at everything. I'm not trying to be rude. I just think it's funny. 31.) I've stayed in the same place for so long because I believe that G-d has given me some of the most beautiful people to get to know. But I also know that soon, he will give me something more important to do. 32.) I really am a good writer, I've just never written anything without reservation. Except my poetry...but who the hell reads poetry? 33.) I am superstitious. 34.) No, I don't remember a lot of people from high school. I didn't really care about any of them. 35.) I didn't really have friends until I was 14. 36.) I like pain. Not in a 'cutting' sort of way. But in an adventurous, feeling pain is feeling something sort of way. Working out through a burn, that's nice. Hiking on tired legs, moving furniture. You're shoveling the driveway and your hands burn from the cold. Weird shit like that. 37.) I think too much. 38.) Being Jewish is really important to me. I take my religion and culture very seriously - more so than I think most people think. 39.) The sight of a child alone will instantly bring me to tears. 40.) I believe in loyalty. And accountability. 41.) If I had to describe my perspective on love...the wife of Daniel Pearl said there was a French saying that "love is not two people looking at each other, it is two people looking at the world in the same direction." - That's exactly how I feel about love. 42.) I'm always learning. 43.) Everyone is a hypocrite at one point or another. 44.) Lists like these aren't easy....that's all for now.