Monday, July 18, 2005
For some reason, I am denying myself the comfort of my bed. I love my bed. I slept on a twin size bed until last year when Kim gave me one of her extra queen size beds. So you can understand my love for my bed. But for some reason I'm denying myself the joy and comfort of my bed. Last night I slept on the couch and tonight I plan on sleeping on the loveseat. I sleep in the living room with a light on to disrupt my senses and with Fox News on the television - so every couple of hours I wake up in a rage at the complete abandon of moral responsibility in journalism. It's an attempt to get myself in the habit of getting up and to work a little earlier than I have been - which has been the very last minute if not five minutes late. I'm not sure why I feel I have to punish myself with a stiff back and aching neck - but I do. Something feels off lately and I can't pinpoint exactly what it is. I'm not overly stressed, but I'm not completely calm. My best friend is getting married on Saturday and I'm not really preoccupied with the whole idea. Something is just...off. It feels like I should have something more to talk about. There should be things happening around me. Things to talk about every day. But every day there is nothing. No news. Nobody ever does anything new where I live. I have to resort to websites and television and wishful thinking for something to happen. I am disturbed tonight. Little things come up...like for instance it's 10:39 p.m. and I have yet to prepare my lunch for tomorrow, or make any real headway on work, or read what I had planned to read. I should be all caught up in a funnel of anxiety...but I'm not. I'll just get to bed late. It doesn't matter - I'm sleeping on the loveseat anyway. I hate listless moments like these. When everything is just relatively stable. It is unnerving. I like when there is chaos - something to be angry about, something to be annoyed with. I can't help but feel like there's something lurking in the shadows...I just can't see it yet. Something must be ticking...I just can't hear it yet. Maybe that's why I'm sleeping on the sofa. It's closer to the door should I need to make a break for it.