Wedding Bells, Wedding Bells...

No no, that's not everyone's favorite spy with my old Rabbi Ya'akov. Yesterday I was torturing my friend Rachel with details about "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" - which I saw last weekend. (Rachel refuses to see the movie based on the fact that she believes Brad and Angelina are frolicking about somewhere in London or Africa and poor Jennifer Aniston is somewhere chain smoking and drinking bottles of bad wine - literally falling to pieces.) I love the idea of people who read tabloids or get involved in the lives of celebrities believing it's all real or something... So I had a little fun telling her how hot the love scenes were between Brad 'n Angie in "Smith". But alas, as the evil Hollywood world turns - one click of the mouse sealed my shock for the day. Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner had officially married and announced her pregnancy. Then I did something even more stupid - I mentioned this to Rachel. I love Ms. Garner - I really do. (And a side note: I hope she keeps her name...) At one time I loved Mr. Affleck. But that was circa Good Will Hunting. When Garner and Affleck started going out, I was a bit dismayed. She had just been with Michael Vartan and those of us who are die-hard Alias fans felt like we were amidst a shower of manna from heaven. There was Affleck's much publicized romance with JLo. (Who I despise. So I was okay with that train wreck.) Then there were the politics. Did anyone see Affleck making rounds during the Democratic National Convention and all throughout the Kerry campaign? I mean, seriously. Who wants the guy from Mallrats on their team? I mean really, was Dubya supposed to be afraid of him? Really? The guy who was all up on JLo's ass in her video? Really? Ugh. Anyhoo - I have come to terms with the Garner & Affleck show - but now that they're married, let me offer some advice to the two parental units to be: BEN - - Give up politics - seriously. - Shave the beard - Tan - Go for a jog once in a while - Don't make any more movies until they have been prescreened by Matt Damon or your new wife - When you think, "Maybe I'll take a risk with my acting..." Pop Gigli into the DVD - DO NOT - I repeat - DO NOT make an appearance on Alias JEN - - DO NOT - I repeat - DO NOT let Ben appear on Alias - When people ask you about Michael Vartan - pretend you're too upset to talk about it - so we feel better about Ben being the next choice...shed a tear even - I realize you're from West Virginia...so you must have missed out on the fact that the Yankees kick ass...the Red Sox got lucky - If you're ever in public with JLo and there are lots of cameras around - feel free to do one of those flippy side kick thingy's to her...more than once if necessary. Now, Mazal Tov. *Note To Readers: Please realize that the above comments are made in jest - the lives you see blared on channels like E! and published in the National Enquirer, Star and US Weekly are all fake. Celebrification is afoot.