Sunday, August 07, 2005

Busy Weekend - Installment #3

Well, after all the excitement of Dustin's "Happy College" night, I was back to my battle of limbo between togetherness and helplessness. Tomorrow I go back to work. I'm nervous about it. I'm not exactly sure why, but my stomach is all in knots. Now that there is nothing like a bunch of drunken idiots playing cards and eating burritos to occupy my mind, I'm also falling back into my "where is my life going" line of thought. By 2 o'clock I'm in tears again. The healthy thing about myself and depression is that I know what's causing it and I know what I need to do to fix it. It's just doing it that is the problem. I get into a small argument with my mother when she calls. She's mad that I have not come over to her house yet. I have a cousin from Israel in town and she was really hoping I would be there. My mother tends to think that because we are near the same age we will have an instant bond. She forgets that we don't know each other at all and that I have a hard enough time bonding with members of my family who I see every Thanksgiving. So tensions rise and an argument ensues. I hang up the phone, throw in two loads of laundry and I'm back in tears again. I don't enjoy these ups and downs. Mostly because it's all my own doing. I know when I'm allowing myself to wallow and when I should snap out of it and be productive. Sometimes the most dangerous place you can be in - is a state of comfort. That might not make sense right now - but it will in time. After a rough day, I come home and my stomach is just beside itself. I wonder how I'm going to get to work tomorrow, what it will be like. I'm worried, I'm stressed out and all I want to do is crawl under a mound of covers and never come back out. But then my niece calls. She is due back from spending the summer with my older brother. She sounds so much older than she did 2 months ago but I guess that's just how kids are. I tell her we'll go out for breakfast one morning after she's gotten settled back home. She tells me that shouldn't be a problem since she's being home schooled this year and can set her own schedule. The last time we hung out, that day at breakfast, I told her I was sorry for being a shitty aunt. That I should be more involved with her and call her more often and see her more often. She said, "Well, you're busy. And I'm really busy too. Just because we can't go hang out every day doesn't mean you're a crappy aunt. Don't say that." No expectations. Just love. The way it's supposed to be. Thank god for little kids.