Tuesday, August 09, 2005
I think I'm going to ramble. My eyes are burning...all I want to do is curl up in my bed and sleep. I wish it were Friday and I didn't have to get up for work tomorrow, but I do. And I'm not too sure why I am forcing myself to blog right now, but I feel like I just should. I'm back at work - but nothing is any better - and it makes me just spend the 8 hours I spend at my desk, wishing for my couch. Here's the thing...have you ever just sort of seen the person you are becoming? Like you can see yourself picking up a bad habit and it just makes you want to separate from your skin and take off running? Like when you start drinking too much...you realize that drinking every day a little too much, is not a good idea. You can tell - even while you crack open a beer. Have you ever felt that way? My mom has a lot of expectations. She expects people to act a certain way, to feel a certain way, to react certain ways...it drives me crazy. Sometimes I can just hear the disappointment in her voice when I don't share an opinion or a point of view...or I'm late for dinner or too busy to stop by for a visit. She expects that I would do one thing rather than the other, or feel a certain way. It's not that I think her a bad person or that I'm trying to bad mouth her. It's not her fault and I don't judge her for it. And nobody else better either because I'll kick ass when it comes to my momma. It's just a bad habit, that's all. An unfortunate one because it leads to disappointment for the bearer of the expectation and the one the expectation is put upon. After a while it can cause someone to feel like they are nothing but a constant disappointment. But that's not why I feel like I do tonight. I feel like I do because there are times when I catch myself doing the same thing. It makes every inch of my skin crawl. I expect things from people and expectations lead to nothing but disappointment. And that's not fair to anyone involved now, is it? It's not a good thing to expect anything from anyone. We don't come into this world with a hand full of I.O.U's. So what is all this leading to...you must be asking yourself... I just don't want to turn out addicted to that bad habit. And often it feels like I am getting hooked. I expect people to listen and they don't. I expect people to care about one thing...and they care about another. I expect people to just act how I would...and they don't. And if I spent more time badgering myself for not acting as I expect I should...then maybe I would be happier than this. Tomorrow's another day. I expect the only person who can stop it from being a disaster...is me.