Friday, August 12, 2005

If You're Gonna Be In a Boat...

"I think we're in somewhat similar boats..." says Rachel. She might not be able to tell, but I'm crying. I wipe at my eyes and hope nobody walks into my office. What she means is that we both tend to think of others before thinking about ourselves...in that case, I say to her: "No. We're in exactly the same boat. And that's alright. Because if you're gonna be in a boat to begin with then...you might as well have some company." I say this to her after she has spent 1 hour and 22 minutes talking to me and telling me everything is going to be okay. Everything is this: I have made a decision. I am moving to Arizona. When isn't quite determined yet. I know I will finish out the fall semester. If I don't have the money, a job or an apartment by that time, then we'll just see how soon I can get one...but hopefully it won't be long after the fall. Hopefully it's as soon as possible. For a couple weeks now I have been struggling with this decision and I haven't talked about it until recently. I wanted to wait. To wait for the day when Rachel went back too but...I know if I don't go now...I never will. And I didn't blog about it because I wanted to discuss it with my mom first. I realize that I may have presented a skewed impression of my mom with some of my previous posts, but let me say this - I love my mom. She and I have always been she and I. A team. And leaving her will be the hardest thing I ever have to do. She comes to me when she is low and I go to her in my darkest moments. I have been treating her terribly because of my own unhappiness - and today she laughed it off and told me that all she wanted was to see me happy. She gave me the okay. I have waited all my life for that okay. All this time, with my mom struggling with her own turning point in life - her last kid off to school - I thought she'd lost a sense of spirit. But it shined yesterday when she told me that she wanted to see me try something new...and be happy. Before I talked to her last night, Rachel just happened to call me. She was worried about me, being as that I hadn't been very talkative lately and the stress of everything was too much and I caved. I have been unhappy for a long time. Every night I come home to feelings of emptiness and nothingness. When my mother calls me, I snap at her, simply because she asks me if I'm at home - and I'm always at home. Most of all, I've stopped growing. I need to gain perspective. I need to find a life for me somewhere. I need it more than I've ever needed anything in my life. On the phone in my office, I cry when Rachel tells me that no matter what she is behind me. I cry knowing that she understands. I cry when I realize the bond of the moment, because she is the company in my boat. When I tell my mother about my decision I cry because I love her so much. And because all this time I thought I had to be strong for her - and she was the one being strong for me - stronger than I could ever hope to be. Stronger than the Arizona sun. And right now, as I sit here, I know there is so much more to say. But I think that is enough for now.

5 comments:

Jessica said...

Okay just in case people are taking offense to this post - let me say two things:

#1.) If you feel that I'm somehow being crappy - just tell me and I'll explain.

#2.) The best way to take my writing is just as it is. In this case, how I've felt for a couple of weeks. Don't feel offended. My reasons for feeling that way are my own - and in no way a reflection of anyone else.

Gypsy Butterfly said...

Sounds like you have much to be excited about. Rather unhappy. Look on the bright side. Read a book called
"The Power Of Now"...good read

Jessica said...

Thanks Gypsy Butterfly, I am very excited! I will certainly check out that book.

bags said...

I am soo excited for you! Believe me when I say it's hard to move away from everything you know and don't know what the future holds but there is so much to be excited about! Don't let anyone hold you back from what you want to do in your life. Of course your mom wants you to be happy. She wants what is best for you. Now I have someone to visit in Arizona!! I'm soo happy for you Jess.

Jessica said...

Aww, thanks Sarah! I am scared, but it is a good scared - an excited/good scared :) And it helps knowing people are happy for me - but most of all that my mom will be okay. I can't wait to have people visit me! I guess I have to get there first though ;)