Thursday, October 20, 2005
I seem to be plagued with two types of days lately. Those of distraction and those of disfunction. I favor the distraction over the disfunction. It doesn't matter what it is. A long phone call, multiple phone calls, hours at school reading and studying until class starts...whatever it takes to occupy my mind so it's not cluttered with things I should be worrying about. At the end of the day, before I crawl into bed, I realize that I've only distracted myself...which is probably why I'm so sleepy...and it's okay with me. I'm thankful to have ignored everything else for another day. Then there are the days of disfunction. When I wake up and remember that there are several things to worry about. Several things that make me feel just completely awful inside...several things to deal with that I'd rather not. Those are the days of disfunction. I can't seem to function like a normal human being. I'm either stuck on the couch until I quite literally have to get up or I simply go about my day as just a skeleton wrapped in tissue, wrapped in body. My mind is a string of twinkle lights. The kind with no set twinkling pattern but just fast, intermitent twinkles...ideas, thoughts, worries... I think of a million things at once: an author I can't stop reading, a story I should do for the paper, wouldn't it be great if I worked at a paper some day, which one though, Arizona or Washington? It's now 4 o'clock, is that a bad thing or a good thing, do I need to move back home, will I make rent, will I find a job, I can't buy this otherwise, or get this person that, or go out...oh shit, what am I going to do tomorrow, I have to do something...I have to do something or I'll go crazy. What are people thinking about me right now? How selfish does that make me? As these thoughts move through my mind at lightening speed...I feel myself drifting further and further away from people in general. "I feel disconnected from everyone in one way or another." "Disconnected how?" Rachel asks. Disconnected how, is the question. I don't know how. I just do.