Sunday, October 09, 2005

Motion Sickness

My mind has been racing since late Friday night. And I mean racing. It's the kind of racing where you wonder...am I as much of a figment to everyone else as I seem to myself? You go through motions, dinners, baby showers, conversations and such and when you're in the moment, you're only sort of...half there. But the half of you that is there is really there. The other half of you...well is a different story. That is how my mind has been since late Friday night. And it's still going. I can barely entertain one complete idea, let alone write it down. And the best I can do right now, is put markers down. If I make it through the morning, then I can get through the day. If I make it through the drive, I can handle the rest. Just get through Monday and at 9:33 pm when you're walking to your car in the parking lot - you can let go of the rest. Those are my markers. My mind races through so many things at once it's hard to even differentiate and I wonder if that is going to be a lifetime thing. Will I even hear my children when they're telling me about the part they won in the school play? Will there even be children there? Because, if you can't pay attention long enough through the pathetic come-on then the odds will not be in your favor, I would assume. What I love about movement is that while you're doing it - you are not grounded to any certainty. You are bound by nothing. Problems and joys are all anchored at either side and you are in the middle claiming neither one. On one end you are one person, on the other you are quite another person. But in the midst of movement you are only what you allow yourself to be. What I hate about movement...is the very same thing. Nothing seems entirely good...nor entirely bad... My layers of thought and emotion are thin and brittle like flakey dough. The kind everybody loves and fights over on special occassions...but nobody can touch without breaking multiple layers at once. But if I can just make it to the parking lot tomorrow night...

2 comments:

TheGirlWho said...

I've just read the last three of your blogs.. It's so strange, here I am plowing through the overnight shift at the news station where I work, and the only thing that saves me from the death and destruction that is the news are blogs.. Your blog about not wanting to deal with every day really struck me. Shutting the blinds, turning on a lamp, lighting a candle.. and suddenly I have my own oasis. I find myself turning on inane sitcoms because the laugh track makes me happy, the upbeat endings, all resolved in 30 minutes.. Silly, I know... but whatever it takes, right?

Jessica said...

Yeah, I think you're right. Especially when outside is filled with tragedies. I want to be a journalist because I have always rathered to deal with other people's stories than my own, but now I see those stories intertwine with us anyway.

I think sometimes we just have to do whatever it takes to gain a little ground and keep the outside world...outside.