Thursday, October 06, 2005

She Stirs...

The easiest way to deny the fact that you can't deal with every day is to shut the day out. You close the blinds and keep the place dark and before you know it...you're safe under the cover of night, candlelight and twinkle lights and it's as if the day never took place at all. It is the closest you can get to making everything...to making time...stop. You do it because you've gotten into the habit of spending all your time with your inner demons. You know, the insecure parts of your self that you try not to let anyone know about. And you go rounds with them on the mat of your consciousness - which you normally try to keep subconscious...if that makes any sense. At night you can shed tears for things that don't deserve them. Night is where you can hide beneath covers that suddenly possess superhuman powers in your own little mind. Time loses itself to the cover of night. So you turn day to night and well...recoil. When you can't deal with the day, you shut the day out. You don't answer the phone, you don't check your email and you don't move. For fear that any movement at all will break you. You let it all fall apart...so you don't have to bear the responsibility of keeping it all together. And then...even if only for a few minutes...you don't. Today, I ventured outside for just a few minutes. For stamps. It sounds funny, but the need for such an obscure thing like stamps, got me out. Even though it was a relatively hot autumn day, I noticed the leaves on many of the trees in my little town had already changed their color. Several of them now littered the streets. Wouldn't you know it...the world was still in full swing - even after I'd stopped watching CNN, kept the shades drawn and slept all day. I was reminded that G-d keeps life going for us on the outside, when we've stopped it completely for ourselves within our own walls. How about that? We can break down...and get back up again. It's comforting...because in a sense...it's the gift of time. The time to heal, the time to reflect. The time you need. I'll be back. It's just going to take a little time.

4 comments:

Leslie said...

I totally understand. I'm here if you need me. Love you!!!

~Deb said...

Hi,

I had a case of insomnia and found your blog.

It literally sounds like me about two years back. Your words, are 'my words', so to speak. I can relate to everything you mentioned, and some of your words actually made me teary.

The only thing that got "me" through my depression and the will to get out of bed was my faith in God. It took me all I could do even think about getting up from that bed to make an attempt to get to the gym, but it was hard. I needed a higher being to pursuade me. I needed more guidence in my life and even though I had loving people surrounding me- I felt so lonely.

I hope you get through this. Another thing that helped me, was watching stand up comedians. Go online and buy your favorite comedians, or just pick a select few you don't know- and let me tell you, laughter is the best medicine.

Force yourself to go out with your best friend -----(someone who can make you really have a belly laugh) not the friend that whines and moans about every little fricken thing- (You know the type) hehe..

I just wanted to say that I love your blog, and I am putting you in my favorites. Your words are addicting, and so real.

Thank you for blogging! You made a difference 'here'.... :)

Jessica said...

It's an odd thing, that strangers can log on at any time of day or night and find some sort of...semblance somewhere. Who would have guessed technology could provide an outlet for comfort?

Thank you, Deb, very much for taking the time to post what you did.

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