Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Yom Kippur

It may sound odd, but I have always loved Yom Kippur. I guess it was something in the way the Rabbi's would always say it was the day of the year where Hashem "wipes the slate clean". How generous...I thought. When most people hold faults and mistakes over your head for the rest of your life - and we even do it to ourselves - Hashem takes one day to wipe each of us clean. Who ever said you only get one chance of life must have been wrong. We get a new one every year. This year however, I feel a bit more anxious about the day than usual. I remember how great I felt last year, immediately following Rosh Hashana I spent every day praying as hard as I could - a little quality time with just me and G-d. Then when Yom Kippur came, I fasted...my friends invited me for dinner and promised not to throw the chicken on the grill until the sun went down. I stood outside in the final moments as the overcast sky became a bit darker and took my last few minutes asking G-d for what I wanted...and then went inside and it was over, and I ate and spent time with my friends and I felt full in more ways than one. This time I forgot it was even that time of year. Rosh Hashana came and went in the midst of numbness and the ten days that followed must have happened to someone else because I didn't even notice them. Now it's time to fast and repent and I feel unprepared. I realize last year, I got it wrong. I asked Hashem to watch over my family, my friends and the rest of the world. I asked them to not let us suffer, to keep us safe and to give us love and success and all the rest. But not once did I ask for what you're supposed to: forgiveness. I did...but only in the sense that I asked for it so I could get something else. I missed the point entirely. I really wanted to go to shul this year. I wanted to be surrounded by the people who observe the same day as me. I feel a desire for that type of connection. Unfortunately, I don't belong to any shul in town...and the technicalities of getting a seat for service leaves me out of luck. And it I feel almost panicked - like without it I won't be able to do this Yom Kippur right. The slate is about to be wiped clean - and I have no more idea of what I need to do to make things right any more than I did yesterday. But I suppose that's the point...

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

This is very interesting site... » » »