Tuesday, November 01, 2005
A Second of One-ness
Whenever something big happens - i.e. a wedding, a birth etc. I always want to rush right back into normalcy. Forget the event even occurred and jump back into the daily routine. I'm all about routines. But with so much going on lately, I haven't felt real at one with the whole normalcy thing. The act of pondering has taken over. I do nothing but think outside the boundaries of my brain and it has placed me on another planet altogether. But tonight I got a second of normalcy. And I hung on for dear life. I set candles all about the house and began making matzo ball soup. It was my first attempt so I made a "in desperate need of encouragement" phone call to my grandmother who assured me that it's as easy as can be. It is. Like all comfort food should be. Soon my house was filled with the smell of good soup. I don't know what the smell is exactly...chicken broth...onion...whatever...it smelled good. It smelled like home. I stopped after dropping the little round balls of dough into my soup and took a second of oneness. The smell filled the house and the house felt warm. I felt warm. I felt calm. I felt like a woman. Able to make soup. I felt like a Jewish woman. Able to make good matzo ball soup. Someday a family will not be without on Passover. I felt adult. I am not going hungry. I felt all those things. I felt able to console a friend. One day a friend will need soup. I will be there. It felt good. It felt capable. It felt... at one...with me I guess. Now that I've eaten, I feel the uneasiness I've been dealing with for longer than I care to discuss coming back to settle in for the night. I want to fight it as hard as I can. I want to push it away. I want to ignore it. Like a tidal wave, thoughts take over my mind. I'm back to where I started. Slow moving because I'm thinking too much. Unable to put anything into words. Last night sitting with Rachel, I rubbed at my head and said - "I need a miracle right now." If only that were as easy as a good bowl of soup.