Tuesday, June 27, 2006
I Bet You Think This Blog Is About You
I've never had good self-esteem. A few years ago I lost some weight, discovered tanning and drank one 16 oz. bottle of water every hour (sometimes two) and actually felt pretty damn good about myself. I kept busy, walking every morning before work and on weekends, moving on to workouts at the gym three to four times a week and bought clothes that fit me. As of late, however, I let myself go. I haven't gained too much weight back - but enough to not feel comfortable in anything I wear. I rarely tan because I'm either too tired or too busy to drag myself out on a regular basis and I haven't been able to get my hair cut in so long that my split ends have split ends. I won't even start on the waxing... "Oooh! Ooooh! I have to tell you something," says my co-worker. She proceeds to tell me that one of our drivers who is a friend of hers mentions me to her when they were recently at lunch. "He said, 'something about her voice man...'," my co-worker tells me. "You give him shivers girl." I laugh at this. I won't lie. Sometimes I'll speak in a coo on the phone. Anyway, I think it's funny. She proceeds to tell me that she describes me to the driver as "beautiful". "I hate her," she says she tells him. My co-worker is a forty year old woman - native american enough to have beautiful dark skin and wide eyes and long, long dark hair. She's about 5'2 and all muscle - and she's calling me beautiful. She continues... "She's got that kind of beauty, long wavy dark hair, great skin and dark brown eyes - you know she just wakes up looking beautiful." I laugh again and call her retarded. Though her last remark is true. As vain as it sounds. The only time I think I really look beautiful is in the morning. I've even stopped myself in front of the mirror before going into the shower and thought - 'why can't I look like this all day long?'. Smoldering. That's how I'd describe myself in the a.m. It might sound unbelievably vain of me almost to the point of "who the hell does she think she is" but if you knew me, you'd know - I don't think this way at any other time. It's kind of like that episode of "Friends" when Phoebe thinks she sounds sexier when she has a cold. I particularly feel beautiful when I see myself in the morning and I've got a good tan. And I make some coffee and I'm in my pajamas on the couch. Kind of like this morning - minus the tan. I sat down on my chaise lounge and looked about my place - mug of coffee in hand and thought - this is not half bad. Not so sure what that has to do with my beauty...but whatever.