I felt that way this morning as I dressed for Thanksgiving.
It's a hell of a way to wake up.
I've been living on my own for a few years now, so I don't know why this morning felt different but it did. I struggled with my sleep, trying to get as much in before a long day of giving thanks, working through the night and bypassing sleep for Black Friday shopping. After my shower, my apartment seemed eerily quiet. I stood in the hallway for a moment and wished for a song. Something to make the moment feel more like a introspective television drama moment rather than just a quiet, real life one.
I dressed and readied in a hurry and as I made my coffee I surveyed the logistics of my situation. There was the 1.5 hour drive to my family's annual Thanksgiving. But this year, Mom would be in town...so I'd have to drive back home in time to see her before going to work. I made coffee and tried to shake the feeling that was just a little too irritating to me...but it wouldn't shake. When I got into my car, it just felt thicker. The business of Thanksgiving is what the holidays are all about. Make the rounds, eat three different dinners, drive to, drive fro, come home. Nap.
I wanted someone to take the drive with me today. I don't usually want for things like that.
Thanksgiving went fast - and for the most part - fun. We ate, we took pictures, we laughed and told stories. Nothing painfully original. I've always loved Thanksgiving. The food. The football. The dishes in the sink overnight and the leftovers in the wee hours of the morning. The routine of detesting family get-togethers but submitting to them all the same year after year at the appointed time.
This year my leftovers were made a little tastier with the help of two things: my mother's boyfriend's drop dead pecan pie and a delicious dose of Grey's Anatomy.
And here I am. At work for the remainder of the evening and into the early morn.
And I keep hearing things in this very open, very empty building and I'm wishing I had gone to medical school so I could be in full swing of an internship with people like the Nazi, the She-Shepard and McSteamy/Dreamy.
And I'm playing with this creepy wish because I realized over a plate of turkey today...that I am all dark and twisty and wishing it would go away with simple things like dinners out or shopping trips or superficial inspiration.
I knew going back into school I would get bored with it. I knew I didn't have the patience. And I knew the minute it didn't go my way - I'd want to back out. I knew and I enrolled anyway. I know things and I ignore them. It's like my bit or something. Those are the kinds of things you just know about yourself. The kinds of things you like knowing - because they make you who you are - but you hate dealing with them all the same.
There are plenty of other things I know. But right now, they're being outweighed by the things I don't. I know I could elaborate but I choose not to. See? Dark & twisty.