I caught myself doing it a couple of weeks ago as I prepared chicken won-ton bites and pumpkin ravioli for a small dinner party I was hosting. I was doing it again the other day when I was wrapping presents in Hannukah paper and writing names on name tags. It happened when I was doing dishes, in the car and even at one point when I was at the bar and there was a sudden possibility for drama - I started humming it again.
It could be all the holiday themed entertainment I've been watching for the past couple of weeks. I've fed my DVD player "The Family Stone" & "Love Actually" for the past few days - as well as the Thanksgiving and Christmas episodes of Grey's Anatomy. I put them on repeat while I sleep.
It's the scene in "Family Stone" that gets me every time. When Sarah Jessica Parker and Luke Wilson are lying there and hum/sing just a few bars to...damn. I don't even know what song it is. "Repeat the sounding joy" is the line she sings. I think it's 'Joy to the World'...but I could be wrong.
I'm trying real hard. That's what I'm doing. And so far - it's working. I'm trying to limit the stress and enjoy the holidays. Saturday I shopped. I was zipping in and out of stores picking out presents and sipping on Gingerbread Lattes. I wrapped presents near candlelight and twinkle lights and watched Katharine Hepburn and Cary Grant in my favorite romantic comedy of all time - "Holiday".
I'd buy my friends and family the world - if I could afford it. Just to see them smile when they get things. But as I put my wrapping paper away, the tears started to surge. It's going to be a hard time of the year. What I can't give them is peace. Peace with demons, peace with ghosts... Turbulence & trouble sit where I can't touch them. I want to crumple their pain up like tattered wrapping paper and stuff it in a big black garbage bag.
More so - I want to write it down. But that is for another day.