t-minus

Forty minutes.

It's finals day today and I've had two anxiety attacks and my stomach is moving like a lava lamp. A bad simile, I know but I'm a little preoccupied right now.

The sad part is that I don't really get all worked up over the tests. I have a paper due today as well, which I worked really hard on not being stressed out over. The professor said it looked fine just as it was, so I played with a few words and cleaned up some citations and kept the over-obsessing to a minimal.

I also don't have test anxiety. I'm of the strong mind that you can only retain and hold what you can retain and hold. I can only study so much. I can only read five books in a single semester, balance a few jobs and a social life and my own neurosis...and remember so much. When it comes down to it - there's no need to over-obsess.

So why am I over-obsessing?

I want the test over with. I want to scribble as fast as my hand will let me and get the hell out of that class room. I want three weeks off. I have two stories due by Friday. I haven't even started them. I want them done. I want to get them done in two days so I can have the rest of the week to do my last minute Hannukah shopping. I don't want everything to take forever and a day to be finished.

Friday, my older brother and I resurrected our Friday night ritual. He calls me from the porch, in his flannel, with a cigar and a glass of scotch - I sit in the back room of the bar and chain smoke. We discuss the aftermath of his recent wedding, how he wants me back in Arizona for a tour of the northern part of the state and the fact that I've been a little bit of a downer for the past few months. When we talk about my options and my future he says, "sounds like it's going to take a lot of 'me' time for you to come to a decision."

Precisely.

I had hopes of filling my three week break from school with another reunion. One with the gym. It's been so long I just might cry when I get to the track. But I worry that I'll be so busy with other things I won't get there. Hannukah is almost here and I still have shopping to do. And this year, Rachel and Mart have asked if they can join in with my family's celebration. I never invite friends to family functions. My family doesn't function well with the outside world - but that is another story entirely. Can't worry about it really, until it happens. But it all can't happen until this damn test is over.

So with a nervous stomach....it's now t-minus 30 minutes.