But a big THANK YOU goes out to Canada. The show airs at 7 pm in Canada. I was able to find out what happened before the Tivo even touched it here in the US.
And so I'm going to be reaching ever so slightly here - but I'm going to work the episode in to this post regardless.
All you need to know is that Meredith, (title character), had fallen into icy waters off Puget Sound only to be pulled out all icy blue and near death and stuff.
And tonight - as she floated between living and dying - the issue was that she quit swimming.
"Stay with me, this state of mind..." I scribble into my journal before going to bed. I've been cramming for my midterm and legislative paper for days now. I'm writing notes upon notes, defining term after term and researching like a capital hill intern on crack. Slowly...I remember what it all feels like.
My brain used to function a lot differently than it does now. Nobody understands this. I try to put it into words, explain it, complain about it to people. My brother, my mother, Rachel, my grandmother. It doesn't come out right. My brain used to be like a sterile operating room. Multi-functional, orderly, clean. Several things going at once - no threat of tripping over one or another.
I loved my brain. Love. Love. Real love. I loved that I could stay out at the bar until 3 a.m., go to work at 8 a.m. - actually be productive, make it to class and still pull A's. I loved that I could think in order. Now, things are out of control. My thoughts are literally out of control. They move at a speed I never thought possible. "Like pistons," I read an actress describe in a magazine article. "One idea begets 700."
I don't know how to slow down...but I know that I want to. To streamline my thoughts, the things I need to do. As I roll over and over these legislative terms - they begin to stick. I begin to remember what it meant to prioritize. To have things under control. Discouraged is what I've been for an entire year. I've handled things...an internship, writing assignments, a job, homework. But I have not been present in what it was that I was doing. I was on autopilot. I stopped swimming and began to drown. And that has gotten me nowhere. (And so goes the end of the weak, pointless Grey's Anatomy connection)
The other night, when I cried to my mother who always makes me feel better, she said that deciding to change focus, change mind - is tiring. It is indeed. Exhausting. But if being exhausted means that I'm still changing, still focusing, still trying...I'm okay with that.