When the Road Gets Dark...

Reporters are trained to notice things. They are to observe things that others might just pass over on a first glance. The way I notice that "A Reason To Believe" is playing overhead at Starbucks when my father and I sit down for coffee and confessions. The way I notice that's exactly what I need. My head is a list of the things I notice and the things I don't. I notice my father's presence. As if he was just given a prominent one. That his cup has the brown cardboard sleeve thingy to give you a hand that's protected from heat...and mine doesn't. I notice the way he's looking at me...in that disappointed, 'I shall save you' way... is bringing back bad memories...my throat tightens. I notice the way he relates all of my problems to his own...what I don't notice - not right away anyway, is the way he never once says he has faith in me. Regardless of my decisions and my choices in life. Regardless of my direction and my principles. He doesn't say it. Not once. I don't notice anyone for three hours the next day, in the bookstore cafe. I only notice my Middle Eastern culture textbook. Possibly for the first time. And furiously scribble down pages and pages of notes. I don't notice the people that are sitting up at the bar, or at bistro tables like mine, only to get up after ten, fifteen minutes or even half an hour - replaced by...other people. I don't notice them for three hours, until I finally stand up and head home. I notice I don't want to go home. I notice that my mother is only trying to help, when the anger and frustration has built up so much that I break down on the phone with her after only 30 seconds of talk time. I also notice she doesn't hear me a lot of the time. She doesn't notice that I'm not always holding the answers. That sometimes I'm relying on faith. A faith I hope that she sees - so I can be reassured that it is really there. She doesn't tell me that she sees it. I think she tried to...but I can't be sure. I notice the feeling of the edge of panic. I notice how comfortable I am being angry. The things I didn't notice...lies. Absent check stubs. A promised salary. Successes. Tax implications. Technicalities. Debt. Intuition. Problems are always worse...when they're your own. I've noticed that.