Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Just Pissed

Everyone has their breaking point and I guess this is mine. I've been angry for the past 48 hours and now...I'm just pissed. I'm pissed that my bathroom floor is soaked and everything in it is laid out in the hallway on a mat trying to dry off. I'm pissed that this is just the latest in annoyances brought on by my new neighbors - who in my humble opinion - don't deserve to live. I'm pissed that as I'm cleaning my bathroom, the bottoms of my jeans are getting soaked. I'm pissed that I'm going to have to deal with maitnence men in the morning, before running off to buy a new toothbrush. I'm pissed that I even have to live in this shit hole. I'm pissed that every day I worry that the next day will bring no money for the rent it takes to live in this shit hole. I'm pissed that I have to fight for a shit hole in which I don't want to live because I don't want to live anywhere else. I'm pissed that this is just the breaking point to a very wide base. I'm pissed that my neighbors are still awake. They should be sleeping...in fear...that the crazy neighbor downstairs will beat them to death with a hammer. I'm pissed that people who I thought respected me as a professional - have fukced me over, leaving me to deal with the IRS and the Department of Labor and unemployment. That they're probably joking around as usual day after day, enjoying thick steaks for dinner, while I eat another bowl of ramen noodles. I'm pissed that I don't know when my unemployment is going to run out, that I'm too scared to find out, that I don't know how I'm going to pay my bills and that I have one chance at a job that could take all those worries away - and I don't believe it'll all work out. I'm pissed there's nobody here to talk to, cry to, yell at, yell to, hold on to or hold on to me. I don't need it. But I want it. Right now. And I'm pissed there's nobody here. To call in the middle of the night, to show up at my door and make me laugh. I'm pissed that nothing has worked out the way I wanted it to. I'm pissed that I can't see this as just a funny story, something I'll write about later. I'm pissed that I've slacked off on my finals...that I've fallen into this depression that won't go away. I'm pissed that I'm only happy when I'm with friends...which makes me feel needier than I like to feel. That when Rachel says, "you haven't had it easy lately" it makes me want to cry like a five year old. I'm pissed that this is all there is.