Thursday, November 15, 2007

what i need is you

What i need, right you.

I imagine you're laid back on a couch somewhere...brown distressed leather...thinking the same thing.

Lately, you're all that I've been needing.

I need you to pull me into the crook of your arm and tell me everything is going to be okay. Push my hair back behind my ear and tell me that vitamins and a better attitude will fix the fact that I think my hair isn't as thick as it used to be and kiss my forehead when that simple thought makes me cry. I need you to let me fall asleep on the couch, my head rested on your chest, moving with each breath.

Nothing is how I want it. My little brother is leaving soon and I am still in one place. I'm living in a horrible dump of an apartment and I still haven't gotten my brain to where it once was...where it used to be. That confident, ambitious and determined place I'd always known. I'm out of my element and a comfortable place it is not. Friendships have changed so much, I barely recognize some of them and I don't know how to put them all back to their rightful places. It's as if an earthquake has shaken everything in me and around me to its core - and the mess is overwhelming and old and due to be cleaned up.

I need you to believe that I can make everything turn out right. Sometimes I hear you, in the back of my head. When I should be riddled with anxiety...when it would be typical of my brain to race - something in the back of my mind calms me. Tells me to just keep breathing. Tells me one way or another, I will be okay. But I need you closer now. I need you here.

Nothing is as I want it to be. And looking every which way - I can't see ahead. I need you to show me. Show me my reflection.

It's the holidays...and I'm craving you like red wine and bouquets of orange roses. And I need you to get me through this semester...get me through the next few exams and papers and tell me I will do better next semester. Tell me I am not defined by my GPA. I need you to wake up that part of me that's been sleeping. I need you to pull me out of that hell hole of a residence, pull me out of this job. Pull me out of this state of mind and throw me into holiday movies and smells of cinnamon and vanilla and pumpkin. Remind me what its like to sleep in a real bed instead of curled up on the love seat. Take the neurosis out of the family gatherings. Save my soul.

I'm haunted I ran across a quote by Norman Mailer. "Every moment of one's existence, one is either growing into more or retreating into less." I feel myself retreating into less - when all I want is more. And so now, they swirl in my head, those words. They will for a while. Until I start growing again.

And still...all I you.

1 comment:

Alan said...

No one gives a damn about your grades once you get out of school. As far as location, MI really does suck. If you want opportunities, you have to move. NYC sounds good. Do you have a friend or family there to get you started?